You know the drinking game “I have never”? Played so much at uni and in the immediate years after that there are no secrets left amongst you and your closest friends? The reason you can’t look half of your friends’ partners directly in the eye anymore? If you’re not familiar with it, here’s a very brief overview:
Going round in a circle, one person says “I have never….” and describes something (usually, er, intimate, in nature). If anyone in the circle has done that particular thing, they have to drink. And everyone points and screeches at them and brings said things up at social engagements for years afterwards.
So. I was thinking of how much alcohol I would have to consume were I to play a parenting version of this game called “I will never…” (Spoiler alert – a lot).
To play, you rattle off all the things people say before kids are part of their lives. And then you drink if you have since done these things.
Grab the wine/gin/vodka and drink for each of these “perfect parent” statements you’ve rebelled against:
1. “I will never bribe my children”
2. “I will never give my children sugary food with no nutritional value”
(Down a whole glass if you have combined 1 + 2, i.e. “Get in your car seat now, otherwise you won’t have that KitKat later”)
3 “I will never shout at my children. There really is just no need.”
4.”I will never ignore my children. They are special snowflakes who deserve our undivided attention.”
5 “I will never play on my children’s fear of being left alone somewhere by calling out ‘OK, you stay here – bye then'”
6 “I will never get bored of going along with imaginary play. Kids are so inventive, I know I’ll just love playing along with them and it’s so important for their growth.”
7 “I will never give my children ready meals”
8 “I will never talk about my kids annoying habits (if they even HAVE any) within their earshot”
9 “I will never wish I could go back to work, just so I can go to the toilet unaccompanied”
10 “I will never let my kids watch TV all day. It’s sooo bad for them.”
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m hammered.
Feel free to share any of your perfect parent statements. Have you kept to any? In fact, if you have, this may not be the blog for you….